| Okay, okay. I'm working on making peace with my enemies. The ones who used to be my friends. The ones who shat all over me.
And maybe I did it to them, too. Who knows? It's so easy to forget one's misdeeds, and so easy to remember those of others.
This was NOT an easy place to come to, peoples. Much bitterness under the bridge. Years of my life effectively lost, to meanness.
And it ain't over yet. But I'm good to go.
Because I haven't given up on people changing, self included. I still have that. No one can take that away from me. I can only choose to keep or abandon this, myself, this hope at the bottom of the box.
A small thing, this. A world full of people who don't know me, or the other people involved, either.
My friends. "What's friendship, when all's done, but the giving and taking of wounds?" - Frederick Buechner
So small, and yet so difficult. They hurt me so badly. But I missed them so much. It's so hard to let go of love, when it doesn't die of itself. I don't know how to do that. The executive decision of the soul, that is involved in such cutting, is really beyond me.
Can I fix this? Is it too late? Do I have that much forgiveness in me?
I don't know. I really don't. But I have to try. Because when you get right down to it, that's all we have, is each other. Warts and all.
I could not have gotten to this place, though, without other friends, who were not mean; many of whom I've met here. People who have tried to help, and often succeeded. That was what I needed to tip the balance.
Thank you.
Miep |
